the spider ran away OH REALLY?!

2012-01-14T11:57:00.002+08:00

Finally sat down in front of the computer after a hour of walking around the house with a tissue box in my arms. First thought of the day wasn't a pleasant one but receiving a nice text in the morning can make my day :D

I'm sleepy :( need some more sleep.

After much thought I think I know what I'm going to do.

2012-01-09T03:40:00.002+08:00

Why is it such a tough decision? Aren't I supposed to be happy? Then why is it that I still cry every night? :(

2012-01-04T04:07:00.003+08:00

FUCK LAAAA FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCCCCKKKK

I need another salted egg

2012-01-04T03:46:00.002+08:00

I think I probably stared at this page for 5 minutes thinking of what to type. I've got no idea what I'm feeling right now.

Is it weird that most of the sentences in my posts start with 'I'? It just dawned upon me how self-centered that makes me sound. But that being said, this is MY blog so fuck that :o :) :D

I'm afraid of what lies ahead of me. What if my results are so screwed up that they don't get me anywhere. Trying not to think about it now. Maybe that's why I don't blog often. I hate digging deep inside me to find out what I'm feeling/thinking because that way I'll have to face my fears when I have the choice not to.

Whatever. I'm eating a salted egg right now. :)

2011-12-29T22:03:00.002+08:00

Maybe it's not such a bad idea to blog more often afterall. It's been a long while since I last posted and it almost feels like I've lost the ability to express myself coherently. Or it could be that I'm blasting music in the background thus disrupting my train of thoughts.

I've been busying myself with work these days to stop myself from sinking into the abyss of depressive thoughts lest I have another relapse. It's not a bad solution anyway - I've become more aware of the most insignificant happenings amidst my banausic work. Being a promoter could actually be what I was meant to do, I should probably make this my fall back plan should Plan A fails. Then again, I've no clue what Plan A is.

Although I'm not one to be a trend follower I found myself searching for the latest trends on the runway, reading articles on fashion forecasts for Summer 12. My wardrobe is in dire need of a makeover and yet I never seem to be able to bring myself to spend on clothes. I decided if I knew what the latest trends are I might have a better idea of what to look for when I'm out (window) shopping. :)

Life's been boring honestly, but not that I'm asking for more drama. It's good to be feeling so calm for a change, to know what awaits me the next day. Feels like I'm in control of my life. This peace probably isn't going to last for long, but whatever yknow :) I'm (relatively) happy so that's all that matters. Just need to soak in this feeling before the rollercoaster ride begins again.

2011-05-18T06:15:00.002+08:00

havent blogged in such a long time but it's not like anyone reads my posts anyway. not that it's a bad thing.

I know I shouldn't be letting my insecurity get to me, but after all that's happened in the past 17 years of my life I honestly don't know how that's possible. You asked what is it I want from you. I guess I was just hoping you'd give me the reassurance I need.

But then again, aren't all relationships based on trust? Why am I so selfish :( I feel so blessed that you're so understanding all the time but maybe we do need a breather.

2011-03-26T19:37:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long time. No lessons, an awesome adventure and a wonderful date.

:) Life's good like that. Or so I'd like to think. I guess I'm contented with being mediocre for now, as pathetic as that sounds. Someday, I'd rip through the seams of restrains my irrational fears have bounded me with, and show the world how amazing I can be.

Then again, I wonder if this is naivety resulting from me seeking solace in episodes of Glee.

2011-03-16T21:21:00.003+08:00

Honestly after all that has happened, I definitely do need a form of release, some sort of outlet to all the emotions I have bottled up inside me.

Somehow, surprisingly, I am not as affected as I thought I would be. Not that I don't tear through some nights hoping things hadn't turned out the way they did, then again I'm not one to have the best control of my emotions. I guess after all these years of losing people who mean so much to me, and hating them for leaving me when I'm in my most susceptible state, I've realised that building up negative emotions against them isn't going to help any situation. I've learnt to cherish the wonderful moments that were, and instead of mourning the loss of moments that are yet to be, to love the people who had given me great memories to live by.

It's always been my belief that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes this reason is to warn me of my crippling inability to sustain a friendship like a normal person.

But life still goes on doesn't it? As much as I would like to turn back the clock (just as I'd always wished), it is impossible for me to keep wallowing in self-pity. Every such incident has only served to make me stronger, wiser and hopefully more mature. For now I'd just like to pray that history doesn't repeat itself, and express my gratitude to people who stick by me when I need them most. Thanks for not giving up on me. :)

2010-10-02T14:37:00.002+08:00

best days ever with awesome friends.

slacking at homeeeeeeeee watching TV being on neopets WOOTS. damn this is da life.

still quite disappointed in myself for not being as studious and hardworking as i wouldve liked to. i would be VERY VERY surprised if i pass any of my subjects at all hoho. :( :) oh well it's over anw.

2010-09-05T03:10:00.002+08:00

i think.

i might have possibly (very likely) fallen for you. maybe not. maybe it's another one of my childish infatuations.

but something tells me it's different this time round. it feels different too. weird. but nice.

goodnight.

2010-09-01T03:11:00.001+08:00

i rmb 2 years back when you never ceased with the constant annoying teasing. it was YOU who made us fall out. FUCK YOU.

are you trying to ruin my life?

2010-08-29T01:35:00.001+08:00

imma learn how to play kiss the rain on the piano (despite my CRAZAYE schedule).

sigh and im a slow learner too :( oh well for you i guess :D

.

btw EAT'S COMING ZOMG ZOMG STRESS but i'd do my best :D chiayew haha (jasmine style)

2010-08-24T23:56:00.002+08:00

doing pw now. haha

not sure how my group feels about our group dynamics but i really like my members alot alot alot. (maybe they dont feel that way because of me and my non-existent contributions) hope all of us survive this and ace pw together :D jiayou guys

2010-08-24T02:17:00.000+08:00

im IM IM IM FALLING APART. ok this sucks. i need to be strong. gahhh BUT HOW CAN I BE :(

2010-08-17T01:39:00.002+08:00

econs essay. gp compre. maths integration tut.

:( i'm screwed.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

:) cheer up.

2010-08-15T01:04:00.003+08:00

I'm sad. Mainly bored. But sad too. :(

RABBIT DIED! D:
sigh for god knows what reason. Probably due to my lousy ownership skills or something.

Hillary said he'd most probably be in rabbit heaven now or something where there're tons of carrots. Natural carrots specifically, and not store bought because those are processed and rabbits will die eating them.

When I get a new rabbit, I swear I'll take care of it super well and give it a super awesome life. I'd name my new rabbit Carrots because Rabbit's gone and he'll never be replaced. :(

sigh

---

imma make a new blogskin soon btw. nothing against default blogskins, but.
ok yes actually i do. they're boring. max.

---

today i woke up. and found out my rabbit died.

so i went back to sleep. then i woke up and went for organ lessons.

slept after i came home and woke up for dinner.

now's after dinner. and i'm bored.

someone talk to me, please?

i could go on typing like this for hours.

plus not like anyone's going to read it anyway. except me.

i always read my blog posts when i'm bored.

because. tbh. i think conversations with me are interesting. :)

but obviously i cant have a conversation with myself. technically i can. but that only happens at night right before i sleep. or when i'm super desperate for someone to talk to.

what should i do naoo :( WHAT SHOULD I DO.

jamlegend. :)

2010-07-06T17:04:00.001+08:00

hhahaha yes i've got a new blog. wow sense of satisfaction really.

come on give me three cheers yipee.

OK AHAHAHA :D

2010-06-21T03:19:00.002+08:00

It would be cool if there were someone I can talk to at 3.20 in the morning.

I love talking. Rambling if you would like. About nothing in particular at all.

Feel like that's something bigger out there waiting for me to accomplish you know. Someday I would be someone great. I just know it. I always have. Sometimes I do doubt if that's just one of the things I do to make myself feel better so I would have the will to survive. But then something/someone would come along and reassure me that I've been right all along.

Not sure what's wrong with me but I've been having this weird irregular heart palpitations. Maybe it's the approaching cts and all the rubbish that has been happening to me (as usual) that is causing me to feel so uncertain and uneasy.

whatever. goodnight. :)

2010-06-12T01:46:00.001+08:00

I NEED A NEW BLOG QUICK.

after my cts :)

2010-05-26T23:46:00.002+08:00

i don't know what is it that makes people dislike me.

oh wait i know. it's just me being me. i'm a dislikable person. i'm terrible disgusting fake aa and basically i just suck and everyone has the right to hate me.

:(

i wanna cry really really badly. i just wanna sit in MY corner and cry and cry and cry and hopefully after all my tears have been spent all my troubles would go away and i would be somewhere far away from this cruel hurtful world.

i'm not getting any better am i? sometimes, i don't feel the need to either.

2010-05-20T01:09:00.001+08:00

It's Jenn's birthday today! :D

Hope she doesn't read this before we celebrate her birthday for her.

So exciting ehhh? :D

2010-05-16T22:02:00.002+08:00

just finished my icecream :D i love the way it tasted so sweet and cold and how it melted in my mouth (like normal icecream should haha)

small things like these make me happy
like your smile

i was just wandering around facebook and saw many photos of you being a drama mama

YOU'RE FRIGGIN AWESOME \m/ :D

on another note, i've got chem and maths test next week. well technically, it's THIS week. but i like to delude myself into thinking i've still got a long way to go before doom's day.

2010-05-16T04:09:00.002+08:00

it's like freaking 4am now D: and i'm supposed to be in bed but obviously i'm not.
maybe i shld sleep right now.
HAHA yeah i should.

...
gosh that was lame, but hey, it's my blog afterall.

:D tata my fellow yugopotamians.

<3

oh and btw, to anyone who's reading this, i really REALLY do appreciate you spending time to read my blog LOL, even if you might be reading this out of boredom. sorry my blog's so boring -_-

(haha i might just have typed that message to no one at all but oh well)

and! to those whose last memory of me with you was of me smiling/laughing, i feel really thankful to have you around me because you really do make me a much happier and livelier person. :)

LETS CREATE MORE HAPPY MEMORIES TOGETHER :D

hahahaha oh sheesh im nuts.

2010-05-13T17:35:00.002+08:00

sigh sigh sigh it's my toe's bad day again.
or rather bad dayS. D:

it has just rained and im feeling kinda reflective or whatever you call that.

and i just realised that whatever you know, who cares if he thinks im aa right? :) i should just live in the moment. i love life. :) thanks wunderful friendsss :D

although i really do like him sigh. but whatever right? :D friends are much better to be with.

2010-05-03T06:50:00.001+08:00

shld i have given him up for calvinn?

D:

2010-05-03T04:27:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAH IS IT JUST THAT IM TO HUA CHI OR THAT ALOT OF GUYS APPEAL TO ME LOLOLOL

yeah, unfortunately it's only a one-way thing D: sigh

HAHAHAHA WHATEVER life rocks nonetheless \m/
(whether calvinn likes me or not)

Life rocks even though calvinn things im kinda ding dong
Life rocks even though there're people who dislike me
Life rocks even though .... im mentally unstable or whatever you call this

LIFE ROCKS BECAUSE I'VE GOT HANXI AND JENNIFER AND TEO EE AND HILLARY AND YOKE AND MY WUNDERFUL CLAZZzZzZz
Life rocks because high-ness only comes to those who are truly happy AND IM HIGH :D AND HAPPY
Life rocks because LIFE JUST DOES :D

I LOVE LIFEEEE \m/

i wanna go back to school naoooo D:

2010-05-02T18:25:00.002+08:00

I feel so conflicted.

I'm sure many people have realised this, but it has only come to me a few moments ago. It kinda scares me that as we go about our everyday lives, we're constantly making choices that would pave the path for our future. Every second of the day, we take the steps on the board game of life with trepidation and uncertainty.

There're so many things which I could've done differently, each decision leading to a different outcome. What is it that I want to achieve ultimately? Have I taken the right preliminary actions?

Sacrifices that we all make may not seem much to us at that very moment. It it only as we look back and spare a few moments to ponder on our actions that we realise that we've erred in judgment.

Who wouldn't like to live a life void of regrets? To live a life in a bed of roses? But then again even roses have their thorns - it is impossible for life to be constantly smooth sailing. I guess it's really up to us and how we choose to react to the things that happen. Up to us to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made, mature and move on.

I'm not sure if the decision I had just made would harm/benefit me. But either way I'd have to face the music with an open heart (or open ears LOL) be it soothing lullaby or the horrible din of my singing.

2010-04-28T00:52:00.003+08:00

I just stubbed my toe on the corner of my table. D:

Please tell me if you're not interested in me so I won't let you screw my life upside down like I did before. Double D:

Triple D: because I'm a terrible person.

But then again! Imma going northlight tomorrow! Plus today (and next monday) is a GL day w00ts. And I love 23 waha.

Those are causes for celebration so I guess they cancel out the D: s.

Everyday is a happy day Chua! :D

2010-04-25T10:18:00.001+08:00

I think you know what I know.

Stop leading me on if you don't feel the same too :(

2010-04-21T19:53:00.002+08:00

"Happiness is in the form of Calvinn"

Happiness is also in the form of free periods :D damn I think I spend so much time in the canteen that I'll be heavier than I've ever been.

-

And zomg econs test tmr glhf everyone don't selfscrew sleep well take care good night :D i love you! (of course, you must be lame enough to read my blog and i like lame people)

2010-04-20T20:01:00.003+08:00

Sigh. Once again it's the i'm-sick-of-my-blogskin-but-too-busy(lazy)-to-make-a-new-one period.

Freaking default template?
Yeah that's when you know that period is here.

---

Dadaism is the most (Y) shakeass art movement I've learnt about so far.

COOLIO TTM

My inspiration for the next blogskin I'm gonna make

---

Anyway

To all you lifeless jokers out there (you must be one if you're reading my blog), ALL THE FREAKING BEST FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES. Especially the 2010 part.
May all's well be well, and please remember to smile more.

Lastly. Enjoy your kong ba paos.

"Everyday is a happy day." - Chua Liwen

2010-04-18T17:13:00.002+08:00

I hate talking on msn and pretending nothing's wrong when all I can think about is the yelling going on in the background.

I hate staying at home, it makes me really agitated and sometimes I feel like I'm being transported back to being younger once again.

It sucks.

I hate staying at home.

:(

---

and fuck you btw. if your friends can do this to me, they can do the same to you too. all the best.

hahaha

2010-04-18T03:16:00.002+08:00

It's been ages since I last posted anything worth reading at all.

It's already been 4 months into the new year and I'm still in my laissez-faire mode. But then again, I guess that isn't such a bad thing afterall. Being too tensed up all the time would turn one into a lifeless Intense Being (Man).

HAHA oh man my sense of humour really is deteriorating.
It's like as though one's sense of humour is inversely proportional to your age. Wouldn't be surprised considering how society is like nowadays. People are far too busy to be bothered with this weird entity we call humour. Either that or they're too sensitive to every single fucking issue that all they want to do is sue other people's asses off. So with the lack of anything actually funny to laugh at, people just amuse themselves by chortling at the lamest things ever - a sleeping student (oops).

---

3.33 AM !!

This is a sign.

I sorta realised I'm a really superstitious person.
My superstitions evolve to become my theories which I try to convince others to believe.

Whether they do or not is another thing LOL.

---

ok whatever this was a freaking fail post -_- i'm tired and thus suffering from night drunkness.

totally unrelated (but not like anything here is).
there goes my dream of wowing my future husband with my delicious yumilicious cooking. that wouldn't be possible if he cooks better than i do would it.

2010-03-11T15:28:00.002+08:00

I feel so so so sorry.

I wanna do something so badly, but somehow I feel like you don't need me in your lives anymore.

:(

Not sure what I'm doing with my life. Feel like I'm bulldozing around aimlessly and pointlessly. Maybe one day after I get so sick and tired of all these, I'd decide to end it so I won't feel so much pain anymore.

Hate it so much when I know you're pissed with me because you expect me to be the perfect kind of person I'm far from.

2010-03-05T00:09:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna be an extraordinaire, gonna change the world and make a difference.

I just know I would. I've always known that.

:)

2010-02-09T01:26:00.001+08:00

I was wrong.

Guys like Forrest Gump do exist. :) I have hope that my prince will come save me, once more.

2010-01-29T19:13:00.002+08:00

I got home from school and a wave of sadness gushed over me. So I started my uncontrollable crying.

I don't know why I'm feeling so sad all of a sudden.

5c23's a great class, what more can I ask for?

:( Somehow I just can't really get over things that happened before.

Will my birthday be as happy as hers? Maybe I would spend it in solitude, sleeping the day away so I would forget that most people probably won't care.

Things you've said still haunts btw. I still kinda miss you. I secretly wish I could spend the rest of my days in the hospital, partially cos I would feel slightly closer to you. I try to smile as much as I can so I would be too preoccupied with going insane to think about things that bother me. But one cannot stay that way for too long.

I love 4D for everything they've done for me. But I'm afraid.

nevermind. chua liwen you have to stay strong, everything was going so well.

2010-01-28T01:08:00.002+08:00

LOL I've just realised the only way for me to get over someone is to be into someone else.
(Not a good solution, but it'd do for the time being HAHAHA :D)

Afterall, I'm much better and a much more lovable Chua Liwen!

thanks thanks i know all of you reading this agrees thanks.

:D

2010-01-17T00:12:00.002+08:00

Orientation '10 was a blast :D

Bennu ftw man. FLAP THOSE WINGS.

5C23 is a wonderful class too, with wonderful people :)
Things would definitely go well with a class like this.

.

On another note, I decided that I don't have to be an SC to make a difference. I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment and responsibility after all that happened last year.

All the best to those who intend to run for SC!

2010-01-04T12:17:00.002+08:00

Went for photo shooting field trip to botanic gardens yesterday.
And obviously took some really cool shots.

Since we're supposed to submit 5 photos for critique tomorrow, I chose these 5.

I'd originally took a much cooler photo for the portrait shot (of some old guy caught unaware) but I thought it wouldn't be so nice taking a photo of someone without their permission so I chose this instead. -_-
p.s. guy in photo is josiah (or however it's spelt)

This photo is obviously heavily photoshopped. Still not really satisfied with the colour, think I'll do something about it later.

Love this shot! If not for all the extras behind -_-

---

2009-12-27T07:30:00.002+08:00

The best feeling in the world is looking at a really good looking guy and going "Oh boy is he good looking."

Wish I could describe this feeling in more than a mere sentence, but no, I'd rather not destroy the pure simplicity in it.

:)

2009-12-26T20:00:00.004+08:00

It's The Day After Christmas.
it's night to be specific but whatever

Thus I shall upload a photo of someone shuai4!

.
.
.

(ok what a lousy excuse, i just want to upload the photo)

HERE IT IS!

HAHA!

ok sorry i know he isn't very shuai, but i like that photo.

---

Thanks chow for having me (us) over on xmas day!
T'was a dream.

I wish everyone a very merry christmas :D

2009-12-24T03:14:00.003+08:00

HAHA I am really supah supah happy.
This month is probably the best one in 2009. :D

Hope things would stay great (as they are) for a long time!

---

To complete my transformation into The New Me, I went for a haircut and changed my specs.

When I went home and looked into the mirror,
I thought "Where have I seen that face before?"

Wanna guess? :)

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Edna Mode from The Incredibles

What the fuck. ???!!!
wtf wtf I'm totally serious -_______-

Wanted to post a photo of me but stupid blogger won't let me so that's too bad. HAHAHA!
maybe tomorrow :)

...

HAHAHA oh well nevermind. At least I get a good laugh everytime I look into the mirror.
Plus, I'm obviously going to style my hair before I go out so I won't be looking like Edna Mode if you see me on the streets.

P.S. C is like one of the greatest thing that happened to me this year. He's :D! Despite whatever Irene says. Whot eva.

2009-12-24T01:07:00.004+08:00

YAY NEW BLOGSKIN FOR A NEW ME!

Browsed through blogskins.com for a nice blogskin (since I was too lazy to make a new one-_-)
Finally found this one!

Then it dawned upon me.

"Oh, I made this blogskin."

THUS! This shall be my blogskin till I molt out of my lazy skin and decide to create a new one.

---

TBH (which is short for to be honest, all you noobs), I don't really like this blogskin but whatever.

2009-11-30T05:27:00.002+08:00

I've realised. That we're all the same inside, no matter how we may look on the outside.

:)

Sorry I ever disliked you so much -_- fucking stupid of me.

QUIZ! :D
WRITE EXACTLY WHAT COMES FIRST TO YOUR MIND AND DO NOT CHANGE IT.

Your ex and You: HAHAHA kissed in my dreams.
I am listening to: What A Girl Wants by 4minute
Maybe I should: get changed and go on my bus ride soon.
I love: this song I'm listening to. Really supa addictive.
My best friend: is non-existant. I hate ranking my friends. :/
I don’t understand: how come I couldn't get to sleep today.
I have lost my respect for: that asshole.
I last ate: lamb chop! No, it was the ice cream that came with the meal.
The meaning of my display name is: my name spelt backwards. (plus so ace, which describes me.) SO ace.
God: ...
Someday: I will be rich and happy. :D
I will always be: the carefree Chualiwen I am.
Love seems to be: an unexplainable emotion. -Unregistered-
I never ever want to lose: my friends.
My myspace is: o-u-t. out. (haha my apologies to those still using myspace)
I get annoyed when: people at home start screaming.
Parties: scare me. :O
Simple Kisses: ... is this like a name of something?
Today I: went shopping at Popular. HAHA :D
I wish: things could stay this way forever. :] and I would always be this happy.

2009-11-17T06:08:00.003+08:00

Dear you-know-who-you-are,

I could see it in your eyes. I know you're angry with me, really really sorry. I want to know what's going on in your life too, please let me in.

I promise and swear with all my heart that I will move on. Sorry for letting you down, I don't want to see you so sad again.

You're amazing. Even before everything started, you were already telling me not to talk about him and made me treat you to drinks if I did. It's like you'd already knew what was going to happen, like you knew that things was going to turn out the way it did. Should've listened to you huh? Then all these wouldn't have happened.

This morning, I didn't really need to pee, I just felt that I had to go on to that bus, like a premonition or something. I guess I shouldn't have. On the way to school I thought alot. I thought about the people who encouraged me (like you) and that I should make this decision for them, for you, for myself. I took out the card and tore it. Because that's what you've always wanted to do, because you knew that it would make me happier. I didn't want to resist your help anymore, cannot continue letting down those people who care for me. And yeah, I threw the card away after I alighted.

Like I told you, life's always trying to fuck with us. That's why I need to be strong.

I'm going to be happier, I'm going to get better. I promise. Thanks for all that you tried to do to help me. I won't let you down. You mean alot to me. All my friends do.

Cheers! :D To a great life ahead.

p.s. I'm going to print this out and give it to you the next time we meet. If you've already read this, please let me know. HAHAHA! What?! I'm trying to save trees ok.

2009-11-14T04:06:00.000+08:00

Loading ...

Mid-recovery, please be patient.

I'm seriously seriously seriously grateful for my wonderful wonderful friends. :( Don't know what I would do without them. Probably dead by now.

SPECIAL THANKS TO WANNUNG WHO STAYED OUT THAT DAY WATCHING ME CRY AND TO TJ WHO'S BEEN REALLY REALLY NICE AND SUPPORTIVE AND PATIENT WITH ME (however cynical)

LYLAS BOTH OF YOU :D

haha i know i sound really bimbo.

2009-10-30T01:59:00.002+08:00

OOOH I'm feeling super super super uncomfortable right now.
super super duper duper uber uber uncomfortable

*shivers*

I keep getting random goosebumps moments. (if you know what i mean)

.

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

2009-10-28T21:23:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired of being strong.

Maybe you're right. My life is meant to be screwed, and I can't be bothered to do anything about it anymore. Fuck it.

The next time I overdose on my pills, I'm going to make sure it's enough to kill me.

2009-10-28T13:36:00.002+08:00

:( FUCK MY FUCKING LOUSY LIFE
(life sucks)

but thank you everyone (once again) for helping me and ensuring I'm still alive (although that's not exactly what I had in mind)

-_-

I can totally understand how hg got so ... after he got discharged. My right hand is almost twice the size of my left hand. And that's only after 2 days of being on the drip. I swear I must've gained weight.

---

gah

maybe

i would be better off. dead.

---

omg this sucks -_- i wanted to go out and now it's pouring.

omg. -_- plus thunder.

-_- life sucks. or what.

2009-10-25T22:43:00.002+08:00

oh definitely :)

2009-10-25T16:20:00.003+08:00

I LOVE 4D. alot alot alot. Thanks for looking after me, I feel so touched.

somehow, i'm trying to make him hate me more than he already does. because that's how things are supposed to be, i cant change it.

:) time to sleep!

2009-10-25T01:42:00.002+08:00

Sorry. The post below shows how serious the side effects of my medicine are.

darn it.
darn it.
darn it.

i love spongebob. but unlike him (it), i'm not ready.

2009-10-24T20:44:00.002+08:00

YAY IM CRAZY YAYYY YAYY YAY YAY YAY IM SWEATING LIKE MAD AND FEELING RESTLESS AND CRYING AND AND TREMBLING AND TRYING TO STOP MYSELF FROM DOING ANYTHING STUPID YAY

YAYY YAY YAY FUCK MY FUCKING LOUSY LOUSY LIFE

IM THE LOUSY LIFEFORM WOOOOTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YAY EVERYONE SHOUT YAY!

2009-10-24T19:56:00.002+08:00

List of possible side effects from Lexapro

Headache
Nausea
Ejaculation problems
Extreme tiredness
Insomnia
Dry mouth
Fatigue
Increased sweating
Diarrhea
A decreased sex drive
Constipation
Dizziness
A burning or tingling sensation
Vomiting
Vivid dreams, nightmares, or increased dreaming
Weight gain/weight loss
Impotence, also known as erectile dysfunction or ED
Suicidal thoughts or behavior
Anxiety, agitation, or panic attacks
Hostility or aggressiveness
Engaging in unusual or dangerous activities
Restlessness or an inability to sit still
Extreme elation, or a feeling of happiness that may switch back and forth with a depressed or sad mood
Chest palpitations
A burning or tingling sensation
Vomiting
Shakiness
Anemia
Nose bleed
Muscle pain or bone pain
Mania or hypomania
Decreases in blood sodium levels (hyponatremia)
Asthma
High blood sugar
Hair loss

I WANNA GET CURED SOON!

---

Tonight's not going to be an easy night
Gonna be needing more than 1 pill to sleep

HE MISPLACED THE DISC I BURNT FOR HIM OMG :( and to think I'd spent like 1 entire night on it.
oh but what's new anyway?

Really need someone to rant to. But not wanting to annoy anyone at the same time. Guess that's what blogs are for.

:/ no wonder he thinks I'm irritating.

(ANYWAY I'M STILL GOING TO ASK HIM IF HE WANTS ANOTHER DISC EVEN IF IT MEANS HIM HATING ME MORE)

---

I'm still not ready for school yet. I just know it. I hate how things always turn out and people saying it's not my fault when it obviously is.

I hate myself for being so ugly and lousy and annoying.

and I sort of hate him for making me realise all that. (although it's true)

what's wrong with me?

2009-10-23T05:11:00.001+08:00

5.11 am. I'm still up contemplating if I should skip school today and stay home to indulge in youtube videos.

:D should i should i?

2009-10-21T11:18:00.002+08:00

Been having really vivid dreams. Too vivid tbh.

So much so that it blurs the line between my dreams and reality.

Plus my dreams aren't exactly very happy *shivers*

Time to do my thank you gifts!

2009-10-21T00:39:00.002+08:00

There're so many things I want to say.

But shan't.

I am strong I am strong I am strong I am strong I am strong I am strong I am strong

Wish I had schizo instead, it'll be so much less lonely.

Kind of missing being in the hospital - the interaction with other patients, the nurses' smiles (aw no more baiwei) , THE GOOD FOOD :D

-

Actually.

I don't think I'm ready.

:( I can feel it coming again. Time for my meds, and time to sleep.

2009-10-14T14:11:00.001+08:00

Another psychotherapy session today.

I cannot stop thinking about her. (wannung, your idol)

2009-10-12T22:47:00.002+08:00

The corridor was eerily quiet this morning. The sky was dark and it only meant that a thunderstorm was approaching. Or maybe it was just my shades.

I sat on the steps, listening intently for any signs of activity. Sounds from the construction site droned on in the background. Something about it was oddly relaxing.

I suddenly remembered the pinky pact we almost had and started to tear.

What's wrong with me?

2009-10-11T01:04:00.002+08:00

Got french tips today! Done by yours truly.

*proud* ^^

Look at my nails!

Didn't know I had it in me to have such delicate skills :D This only goes to show that it's good to have extra time, which can subsequently be spent on discovering one's hidden talents (so to speak).

I really wanted orange nails with like green tips, but I found out today that the colours of nail polish at watson's are really limited.

Heh, bimbo much?

---

There's a really odd story behind my current hairstyle.

But long story short, I know it's pretty cool since it was done in such a haphazard manner.

:)

And the long purple strip on my left leg has been attracting alot of attention. It looks like a long deep gash, but really, it isn't as bad as it looks although there was alot of blood the day I got the cut. I don't really remember much about it though. Periods of blankness - really dangerous condition, as what my doctor says.

Oh whatever.

---

Movie marathon at imk's tomorrow with wannung.
(hopefully)

---

I've got news!

My mum thinks it's kind of expensive to send me there (and a little inappropraite too). So, I might not be going afterall! :)

Yeah and I'll be sent to my grandma's house instead. Holy cow. or the next few weeks it would either be Bus 30 to school or no school at all.

---

Skipped my psychotherapy session today but I'd be having another one next wednesday (tentatively)

Really excited about it, and also kinda guilty that I skipped today's session due to my laziness.

---

I know I've been posting weirdly these few days. Just can't seem to comprehend the inner war of emotions going on inside me.

What's wrong with me?

2009-10-10T13:30:00.000+08:00

Thanks for today hanxi. :)

2009-10-08T23:35:00.002+08:00

Oh yes I almost forgot. ChenTeck, 加油!

2009-10-08T14:48:00.004+08:00

Thank you everyone who has told me to stay strong and given me all sorts of encouragement these few weeks.

I will. I will try my best to, at least.

These would be the last few days before ... (well, lets just wait and see) But before that happens, I really want to make the best of my time to thank the people who've helped me through all these, and tell the people I love how I really feel about them.

Thanks so much wannung for all the time you've spent with me, going back to that place and doing weird things for me. I'm not sure if you know it, but just having your company means alot alot alot to me.

And IRENE! I know you're really sensitive to really corny and cliche lines like this, but I really appreciate the care you've shown towards me. Although you might've been secretly thinking, omg? that irritating twerp she's sick again. But thank you nonetheless :D

Thank you ruide, for all the encouraging words and advices on how to lead a happier life. And most importantly! Thank you for putting up with my daily rants and complaints. Like how your friends told you WAH THAT'S SO GAY, you might be feeling the same way about this too. But like you said, when something big happens (or is about to happen), one would feel the need to appreciate the people around them. :)

Xinyue and Gwanying, you two have really really changed my attitude towards lessons. It's weird how I started looking forward to going back to class to have lessons just so I can get back to talking to the both of you. Haha although my chinese standard still remains in its original pathetic state, you two have made boring lessons so much more bearable. :D

Thank you 4D's emergency rescue team. :) Thank you for helping me through really painful (literally) times. That kind of pain was really no joke (especially for someone like me -_-), but all the care you'd showered on me really made everything better. Yeah and thank you jennifer! I'm really sorry if I'd misunderstood you in the past, I don't know how I can make it up to you. But you're a really nice friend :D, and I'm sorry I didn't realise that earlier.

You know what? I'm going to write letters to everyone since tomorrow will probably be the last few days I have (besides HCL O levels that is), and I really really love all of you.

2009-10-05T22:06:00.002+08:00

If you're curious as to what's that medicine I always take halfway through my papers, here it is.

0.25 mg of xanax. (cool name)

well, technically I only take 0.125 mg since I can only take 1/2 a pill. More than that and the side effects would be overwhelming.

2009-10-05T19:54:00.003+08:00

This is how my day went.

9.30 am - I went to Gleneagles Hospital for my psychotherapy session.
11 am - Back at home, I finished folding the last of my stars and popped a few coffee sweets.

11.30 am - I boarded bus 17.
(I don't know how I can ever survive a bus ride without my headphones.)

I know i look very unglam from this angle but I love my cap.

12.15 pm - second thoughts second thoughts second thoughts second thoughts
12.30 pm - I did it anyway.
1.30 pm - I left. :/

Oh I need to share this. At the bus stop, I sat next to this primary school girl on the bench(?) who was playing with her yo-yo. When her friend came I stood up. She smiled at me so I smiled back. (so cuteeee) On the bus, she was standing next to me. Halfway she pulled at my tshirt and said, "谢谢姐姐，你戴帽子很漂亮."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WTF? Awwww she said I'm pretty! :D

Anyway I just smiled at her, said thank you and alighted.

2.30 pm - I had nasi lemak for lunch (from 7-11 -_-) and watched Fairly Oddparents.

All that was in my mind was
he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me

5 pm - My mummy collected my contact lenses! :D
I finally have contacts like zh said I should.

chio ttm hor.

---

So yeah that was my day.

No studying. Fail. :(

But great nonetheless.
(except for that part of him hating me :/)

2009-10-01T21:10:00.002+08:00

I love the way you're so nice to her.

In return, I shall be nice to you too. Folding paper stars aren't easy with short finger nails alright?

Or maybe it's just that. I can't cry while folding stars, distracting ttm.

2009-09-29T02:03:00.001+08:00

What am I doing up at 2am in the morning?
Folding paper stars for you.

At least it distracts me from the things going on at home.

2009-09-24T21:09:00.002+08:00

This is it, I've reached my limits. I feel so helpless, and with the exams nearing I have no idea what I should do.

I'm a huge huge failure.

I cannot afford to have another depressive episode right now, especially since the exams are so near. But I'm breaking down, and I have no one to turn to. I'm really sorry for all the trouble I'd brought to the people around me, I'm really really really sorry, I don't deserved to be helped.

The pills I have to take are driving me crazy.

I know I have to be strong, I'm trying extremely hard, but I don't think the effects of my illness are within my control. People are going to view me as a person with an extremely weak personality nonetheless, and there's nothing I can do about it.

2009-09-19T19:16:00.002+08:00

Lexapro.

I feel like I'm in those movies where a bunch of drug addicts huddle in a corner in a dirty alley and get high while injecting themselves with drugs.

My head is spinning. I'm perspiring like mad (which is weird because I'm not the sweating kind). My whole face is red, my hands are shaking and my heart is racing (kind of like when I see ham except much much worse).

I feel very high but very weak now.

It's a wonder that I managed to type all these. My fingers are trembling.

2009-09-18T02:11:00.002+08:00

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort.
Suffocation, no breathing.
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding.

Gosh, I'm addicted.

2009-09-15T04:45:00.000+08:00

I looked at the clock.

Fucking hell 4.45 AM?!

That was when I thought long and hard and I decided Heather was right.
I want a tall, dark and handsome boyfriend.

*nods approvingly* (heh)

Wait, I forgot muscular with like six packs and all. Remember to go to the gym often thank you.

:D I love fantasising.

2009-09-15T02:31:00.000+08:00

"You must learn to love yourself before you can expect others to do the same."

My mirror is currently my best friend. His name is Joe and he tells me how wonderful I am every time I look at him. Liwen, I love you! :D

---

I had a very surreal experience today.

I met my primary school classmate while I was on my way to the bus stop. (Which is coincidentally the same route to my primary school.) He stays in the same block as me and we'd been classmates for 6 freaking years. So obviously we used to go to and from school together, and he used to hold my hand. -__- uhm like we were just small kids right.

Anyway, as I was walking in front of him I thought about how so much as changed, like how we used to be so close and now we just walk past each other like strangers.

CHANGE IS INDEED THE ONLY CONSTANT.

hahahaha but I also admit that when he turned around to smile I didn't smile back, my bad haha.
But! To make up for it I waved to another of my primary school classmate I met on the bus. :D
But. I didn't even look at yijing when she was standing beside me at the traffic light. :( Sorry, HI!
BUT! I wished junjie good luck for eoys when he asked me for a photo okokok.

I'm a good person afterall.

HAHA OR SO I'D LIKE TO THINK.

2009-09-14T21:18:00.000+08:00

LOL don't emo. :D

2009-09-09T20:36:00.000+08:00

Hot. Isn't he?

It would be good if he had those nerd, thick black rimmed specs.
It would be better if he could speak perfect english, french, korean and japanese.
It would be best if he sings well and plays the violin.

But, he's good enough.

2009-09-09T15:20:00.000+08:00

Do you know what disappointment feels like?

It's like

...
when I walk into class and see his photo on my table. Just as my heart starts thumping really fast, I see Zhouhong standing in front of me smirking and I finally realise what happened. -_-

...
when my handphone vibrates and I see a really sweet message. Then my phone vibrates again and the next message says: haha nice lyrics hor? and my heart sinks. -_-

...
when I'm expecting myself to have my period today but I wake up in the morning and realise, DAMN I'M NOT HAVING MY PERIOD.

My period is already late by 1 month. Sorry tmi.

2009-09-05T03:22:00.000+08:00

No matter what had happened or will happen in future, I will still cherish all the happy times we had. Thank you for being there for me as much as you could. As much as whatever I'm going through now is hard for me, I know it is for you too. I'm not going to force you into anything, I just want you to know I will still be here if you ever need me.

I know they say it's not good to be reliant on pills. But it's the only thing that's hardly keeping me sane.

2009-09-02T22:53:00.000+08:00

:( :( I don't know what to say, I'm sad.

2009-09-02T18:09:00.000+08:00

I had a dream yesterday night. One that I haven't had for a long time. Maybe it's the hormones medicine.

I dreamt that we were still friends.

:)

That was a nice dream.

---

I'm feeling exceptionally calm today.

---

ok this is fucking weird. HAHA i was just checking my photobucket album and i saw a banner that read:
KIATSHING WWW.GARY-THY-SNAIL.BLOGSPOT.COM (picture of snail)

wtf? why did i upload a blogskin banner with his name and url on. AND HOW COME I DONT REMEMBER A SHIT. :o

??!! ??!!

life changes so rapidly huh.

2009-09-01T12:14:00.000+08:00

PLEASE
TALK
TO
ME
ON
MSN :(

2009-08-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

LIWEN YOU'RE SO UGLY FUCK YOURSELF PLEASE YOU'RE LIKE THE MEANEST MOST DISGUSTING IRRITATING ANNOYING TERRIBLE GIRL EVER NO WONDER HE HATES YOU OK NO WONDER ALL THESE ARE HAPPENING TO YOU NO WONDER YOUR FUCKING LIFE'S A MESS BECAUSE YOU'RE A TOTAL MESS YOURSELF

:(

not again. please stop me. save me.

2009-08-30T01:26:00.003+08:00

I'm kinda pretty,
and pretty damned smart.
I like romantic things
like music and art.
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart.
So why? Don't I have a boyfriend?

Fuck, It sucks to be me.

I WISH I COULD HAVE WATCHED THE AVENUE Q MUSICAL :(

---

I just realised.

When I was younger, most of the good movies were NC16.
Now that I'm 16, the good movies are M18.
In future when I'm 18, the good movies would be R21.
And when I'm finally 21! The good movies would be f*&%ing PG.

yay hallelujah

7758520

---

You do know I'm losing it right? Thanks so much for consoling me, even though I never expected you to.
-goosebumps-

Just a sidenote,
I want a husband like Bert so I can irritate him all the time :D
And also because Bert's like a joke - he doesn't need to say anything to make me laugh.

---

Btw,
I lied. I wasn't really sleeping. I was wide awake but I just decided not to reply. I'm afraid of what would happen in future. I don't want to go through the same thing over again. It was also in August when he said he liked talking to me. August. Last year.

2009-08-29T19:48:00.000+08:00

2009-08-29T19:18:00.000+08:00

Hi Bert.
Oh hi Ernie.

"Ernie. I'm bald."
"I wouldn't say that, Bert."
"You wouldn't say that. No. BUT IT'S TRUE!"
"I know it's true, I just wouldn't say that, Bert."

"Ernie! This is me knocking on the door and yelling because I want you to let me in."
"That's great Bert! Knocking on the door and yelling together. Ok I'm listening, Bert."

"Boy am I thirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsty."

"Nono I'm not playing, I'm reading, Ernie. And I'm not It."
"Ok."
...
"But Bert is It. kekekekeke"

-_______-

2009-08-27T19:32:00.002+08:00

1. Depressed/irritable mood
2. Diminished interest
3. Significant lack of appetite
4. Insomnia
5. Fatigue/loss of energy
6. Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
7. Inability to concentrate
8. Frequent crying spells
9. Suicidal thoughts

fuck it you know what this means.

2009-08-23T22:24:00.000+08:00

I'M WAITING
remember?

HAHA who am I kidding?

:/

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE? :D
(ok this is only one of the many things)

I REALLY LOVE TAKING QUIZZES TAKING ON SOMEONE ELSE'S PERSONA AND CHOOSE THE ANSWERS I THINK THEY'D CHOOSE TO SEE WHAT THEIR RESULTS WOULD BE

2009-08-22T20:03:00.000+08:00

Fuck the eoys are so near.

Everything at home's a total mess. Literally and figuratively. Everynight I sit in my room by my laptop with my headphones trying to drown out the screams and crying and banging. It's driving me crazy. You told me you would always be there for me, then why are you doing this to me? The tears are making me feel very sleepy all the time. My grades are slipping like crazy and I don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm trying my best to help myself but I think you overestimate me - I'm not as strong as you think I am.

2009-08-21T22:50:00.000+08:00

i'm never good enough huh.

maybe i should just learn to accept that i'm never good enough for anyone.

2009-08-21T16:39:00.000+08:00

please don't get hurt.

(i backspaced alot. haha but some things are better left unsaid. or untyped for this matter)

---

i hate going to 7-11 to buy wanton mee on fridays because the cashier is a very grumpy old woman who throws plastic bags at her customers.

but i still have to because lesson ended at 3 today.
without lunch break.

hm.

---

i'm bleeding from my pores! :o

2009-08-20T23:27:00.001+08:00

:O

I'LL MISS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

:( DON'T LEAVE

---

hahahahahahhahahahhaha

TO COUNTER ALL MY SADNESS :D

I'VE CAME UP WITH A PERFECT WAY FOR ME TO RELIEF STRESS AND GET BACK TO THE TASK AT HAND (WHICH IS MUGGING)

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS:
1. THINK OF ALL THE THINGS BOTHERING YOU
2. WHILE THINKING, SCREAM: SO BE IT! AAAHHHH
3. THINK OF HOW MUCH BETTER OFF YOU'D BE NOT WORRYING ABOUT SUCH TRIVIALITIES

SO BE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCH MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHA FUCK YOU FUCKING BITCH AAHHH SO BE IT

SO BE IT MAKES ME HIGH I LOVE THAT LINE

2009-08-20T00:56:00.000+08:00

PMS

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. Pimples May Surface
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. People Make me Sick
8. Pardon My Sobbing
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

dare you provoke me?

2009-08-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

TMTH!

(tmth = too much to handle)

2009-08-18T18:42:00.000+08:00

WLAUUUUUUU CUTE TTM PLEASE DON'T DENY IT

Is it of any wonder that I love hamsters?
(at least they're not black and don't shed hair unlike certain rabbits :D)

---

it looks as if i'd peed my pants and :o we included jx's photo in our report

WE SHOULD HAVE SLEEPOVERS (or rather stayovers, considering there wasn't sleep involved) MORE OFTEN!

I'd spent 17 hours (3pm-7am) on sunday at chow's with boshi, supposedly churning out our geog coastal report.

Although we had been diligently on task most of the time, we still sought entertainment in certain facebook activities :D

DISTURBINGLY HILARIOUS

:) very satisfying 17 hours of dong our reports

---

boohoo

2009-08-18T02:05:00.001+08:00

WOOH LALALALALLALALA

:)

2009-08-16T13:14:00.000+08:00

because
things happen in august.

to me. and probably you.

havent i already mentioned that?

2009-08-15T19:41:00.000+08:00

CHANGWEI I FUCKING HATE YOU -__-

the next time you refuse to reply my sms i'm never going to pick up your calls or answer any of your questions about gpa again.

2009-08-15T02:21:00.002+08:00

Discussing weight lost on msn is really amusing.

Specifically asking a question like:
Is it me, or did so-and-so really lose weight?

and their replies are usually:
He lost weight
(emphasis on absence of punctuation)

so it gives room for assumption and interpretation, which may be highly inaccurate

1. He lost weight. (reiteration, for blur cai niaos like ty)
2. He lost weight? *in disbelief*
3. He lost weight. (confirmatory statement)
4. He lost weight?! Are you f&^%ing nuts? He's still as fat as ever.

HAHAHA

I choose to believe that people usually mean option 4.

2009-08-14T02:16:00.000+08:00

I LOVE DRINKING WATERMELON JUICE.
(-_- not because it is a natural viagra, or any of its effects ftm i just like drinking it cannot is it.)

:D

Irene you're right, obviously viagra doesn't work for females because it supposedly increases blood flow in males and uh. (HAHA awkward.)

btw, there is such thing as female viagra, it increases testosterone levels in blood, libido and sensitivity to stimulation.
oh but that's beside the point.

THE POINT IS! I'VE FOUND AN EFFECT OF WATERMELON JUICE ON FEMALES :D
hahaha it helps to cleanse vaginas!

...
idk how i'm supposed to comment on this ok haha moving on.

---

oh but i have nothing else to say. :( cai niao

2009-08-13T19:47:00.000+08:00

:) I want you to be happy.

go help her, she needs help

2009-08-13T00:08:00.001+08:00

I'm dying to strike up a proper conversation, instead of replying with "lol ok" or "..." or "haha i see"

but I'm afraid. Afraid of what might happen. I don't want history to repeat itself. The exams are so near, I cannot afford to screw up.

---

LETS ALL TAKE A DIVE
IN THE POOL OF
WATERMELONY BLISS

sidetracking,
BERYL'S MINT CHOCOLATES ARE THE BEST YUMYUMYUM

---

[edit]
TRIBUTE TO LIWEN :D
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LIWEN YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL NEVER EVER DOUBT THAT YAY

HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF
(how can you not when even he can? and he's like ...)

没人能把谁的幸福没收
你发誓你会活的有笑容
你自信时候真的美多了

[/edit]